Importance of fathers in children's lives - Going that extra mile to be a dad
"Any man can be a father, but it takes a special person to be a dad", goes an adage; a poignant reminder that merely fathering a child does not make one a father in the real sense. It is about shouldering responsibilities and caring and nurturing the child, an area where many men are falling short.
Kinsley Kelly grew up in a fatherless home and always yearned to call someone Dad. "I used to see my friends, they were so happy," he recalls, "I realised, they had a thing called father."
When he was 14, he sat down and made a choice. "I noticed that men in my family were just babyfathers ... they were good uncles but lousy fathers, only one uncle got married, his children came out to be better.
"That day I made a decision to change," Kelly, a certified cabinetmaker turned evangelist, said.
Kelly, now 38, is married, and has a six-year old daughter. He is proud that he has been able to give her what he did not get in his childhood. "She is able to differentiate between good and bad," he said. "She once referred to someone as a 'bad' person because that person has a child with a girl without getting married.
"She recognises the importance of marriage, of love and education," he said.
Elaine Walters ekes out her living as a household helper. When she does not have work, she pushes a trolley around her neighbourhood, selling slippers and rags to make money.
It is backbreaking, she says, but she does not have a choice. "It is very tough, but me haffi do it," she rued.
Walters is a single mother of two daughters and two sons, from three different men, who rarely give any subsistence. She is roughing it out on her own to make ends meet.
"One of them cannot work, even if wants to, as he has epilepsy. I sometime send him a little money or food if I can afford it," she said. "The girl's father will give a little once in several months, but that is hardly enough."
"I am the parent, the father and the mother to my children, I have to get them educated to give them a better life," Walters said.
As a mother of two teenage daughters, she realises that not having a man in the house makes them vulnerable. "I feel bad about it," she said, the words choking, "I tell my daughters to keep their heads on their shoulders, if someone tells you that you are pretty, don't pay attention."
She had a brother who used to come by and speak with her children but he died two months back and there is no one to fill the void. She prays that they do not make the mistakes she did in her life, "I don't really want them to lead this life," the 41-year-old said.
"Being a father is all about making sacrifices," said John Rambhajan, father of a teenage daughter.
Sacrifices
Rambhajan, who came from Guyana with his wife and two-year-old daughter in 1993, said he committed himself to protect his daughter. "I used to leave my workplace at 2:30 p.m., catch a bus to pick her up and then take her home," he said.
"I have been following this routine for the last seven years," he said. "Even if it means that I have to forgo a little salary."
He believes a father is that pillar of strength that provides stability in a child's life. "I feel that my sacrifices have paid off when her teachers commend her for being an outstanding student," a proud Rambhajan said.
This is a sentiment Kelly echoes, who said that a child without a father is like breadfruit being roasted, which has to be constantly monitored; somewhere along the line, if you take your eyes off, it will burn and you cannot roast it again.
"It is the same with a child," Kelly said, "if there is no father to monitor them, then their minds fall off and no matter how much we try we cannot bring them back."
amitabh.sharma@gleanerjm.com
- Photo by Amitabh Sharma
Charles Harvey spends quality time with his daughter Kerry Lee. - Photo by Kimesha Walters
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